As we move into the beginning of the year, this is the time to look at how your daughter feels about herself, and her sense of belonging in the world. As she heads back to school and starts her new year, this question of belonging becomes front and centre.
Where does self-belonging come from
It comes from a sense of self within the person. An internal worthiness. And that worthiness has been built on the consistent love she’s received from you, her parents. That’s where her sense of comfort comes from, that deep well, if you like, of who she sees herself as. It is an internal state of deep comfort and acceptance.
This is what makes her feel safe to belong in the world and safe to step out beyond the world she knows so well. This deep sense of self becomes the foundational wellspring for her to test and grow her identity.
What happens when she goes back to school
The new year is like a testing ground of who is there and how will her new year go based on her experiences from last year and any measurable changes she sees in herself and of others for this year. She begins to look around to see who’s there from last year. Who was a friend then? What changes have happened or not. And that’s where the whole comparison thing comes in – to see whether she fits, where she fits, how she fits.
Why her peer group matters
The reality is that her peer group is very important to her.
This is the group that holds her, that she bounces off, that she tries different stuff on – different behaviours, different ideas, different ways of thinking. This peer group is extremely important to how she builds onto the foundation of who she is so far, outside of family and away from their direct influence, and to establish herself as an equal in her group of peers.
It’s the stepping stone and testing ground for building good, sturdy friendships. People she can trust, people that have her back, if you like, people she can confide in. She needs all of these things.
The comparison issue
The issue of comparison is particularly challenging for young girls because it is heavily reliant on external factors. They are constantly assessing others based on surface details: appearance, clothing, mannerisms, and speech. These initial observations are used to determine compatibility, comfort level, and a shared sense of values, all of which influence their own developing sense of self-worth. This is confusing territory that requires time to navigate.
Adolescence is dominated by questions like: Are we similar or different? How much should I adjust my behaviour to fit in? What is the acceptable version of myself I can present to a new person or group?
Practices that build self-belonging
Here are some helpful practices for cultivating that sense of belonging.
Simply notice herself
The first step is for her to simply pay attention to herself. How does her body feel internally? When she breathes, is there a feeling of recognition or relaxation? Does happiness reside within her body? Does she experience comfort in her stomach when she is digesting food?
Focusing on the very basics the foundational self-care movements. Consider her comfort level with essential actions like taking herself to the bathroom. When she gets dressed, does she do so with care and appreciation for herself? Does she like the way she looks, how her body physically presents, and how she interacts with the world?
All of these things are important and make up the foundation of who this young person is. This is who she is. This is who she steps out to be. And she’s looking for others to recognise that she has value too.
But that value comes from the space within her that only she can cultivate – that has initially been seeded and nurtured by you, her parents, in the first place.
Appreciate herself as good company
In terms of useful practices, another is to appreciate that she’s actually quite good company.
That she’s relatively smart. That she has something of value to say. That she can speak out, her voice can be heard.
Encourage her to recognise her own attributes without it being artificial or as if she’s about to be rewarded with a gold star at kindergarten.
Keep it light. “Thanks for helping out. It made this job so much quicker / or more fun doing it with you.”
When she’s not good company and how to encourage her to be resourceful anyway:
A moody, distracted daughter is likely to be obvious at home, or in the car while transporting her somewhere.
Notice her moods and let her know you are available to chat, if she wants that. Let her know you are speaking out because she appears distracted or whatever her mood state is. No guarantee here either that your insightfulness will be rewarded. But that’s the art of mothering – if in doubt, keep persevering. Distracted is a great word to use as it’s relatively benign, not loaded with mother intent.
You are her primary resource. After you (let’s not leave dad out here – he’s included too), it will be her peer group that she will want reassurance from or inclusion or whatever her particular need is at the time.
Let her know that she has her own internal resources to draw from too – in addition to the other external resources. Get her comfortable with looking inward, asking her questions about things in the world – like, “what do you think about that? What would have worked there, do you think?” Stuff outside of her that requires her to think about and provide responses generated by her.
Model what that looks like
Nothing more stimulating and wearing in equal measure, knowing your daughter is watching you. Checking that you believe in the things you are telling her to do, that you wear them comfortably in your life, and it’s not just a show for her. Tough love goes both ways with adolescent mothers and daughters.
Show her what it looks like to value yourself, to trust your own judgment, to know that you value your own good company too. Yes, you have an occasional dummy spit, behave poorly at times, and even apologise when you have made a mistake, yet still feel good about yourself. That’s the ongoing cultivation of self-belonging by seeing you do it too.
Self-belonging has a foundation of love
That deep well of love and worthiness you’ve nurtured in her is her most critical foundation of life happening with her and not to her.
There is a big difference there. Even when she’s caught up in comparison, even when she’s testing herself against her peer group, your job is to remind her that underneath all of the crazy out there stuff, that her sense of self, of belonging on the inside will always hold true.
This self-belonging of safe acceptance and worthiness will be her inner base as she works out where and how she belongs in the world.
Through my practice, I support adolescent girls and their mothers through the First Bloom stage. I help young women develop practices for self-belonging and guide mothers in creating a supportive space for this transition. If this work resonates with you, please feel free to reach out to explore potential collaboration.