Why do teens crave solitude?
The simple answer is they are changing, and they need space to do that.
The quieter seasons aid that need well. When you think about a caterpillar undergoing the metamorphosis of turning into a butterfly, it creates a cocoon to wrap itself in and hide itself from the world for the change to happen.
Teenagers going through change often seek solitude to define their evolving identity and new appearance.
A seed deep in the earth sprouting into a plant above ground (you don’t see it until it emerges)! How do you measure change? Is it a half cup full or half cup empty?
Close observation consumes energy in the room and often prevents the person undergoing change from feeling truly free. This is because being watched closely can cause inhibition, possibly due to fear of criticism or of comments the young person needs to process on their own.
The process of forming this new identity, ‘carving out of a new skin’, is a blend of quiet internal work and noisy, sometimes cathartic, expression. To allow this to unfold, a space of absolute respect is essential.
Internal boundaries
There is a discovery going on in the young person’s world. How do I appear to others, what do I understand about myself, is this right or not for me.
There is a layering of almost like trying on new clothes, and a healthy discarding of them, if they don’t fit right. Too tight, too loose, too uncool, too geeky, too whatever. Finding the new skin that feels right. Internal boundaries are like that. Feeling the response from words that hurt, that felt like a barb, a criticism, a not enough feeling. Not knowing how to correct that in the moment or absorb the intended meaning.
Time out in their room is the perfect place to quietly come back to themselves and their shifting identity that’s still being discovered and built.
What’s safe independence?
As a toddler grows more coordinated, they may graduate from a 3-wheeler tricycle to a 2-wheeler, but if they upgrade too fast, then there are likely to be accidents along the way. The teens are in that developmental phase as well. Too much expectation from themselves may cause fallouts, tempers put out, and time needed to reset and recalibrate themselves again.
Allowing your temperamental teen to follow their pathway, as chaotic and emotionally haphazard as that is likely to be, is part of the territory to help them get a good seat on their bike, give it a gentle push to start them along and watch them bike away from you with your heart in your mouth. It’s necessary for you to practise useful breathing and grounding techniques to support this fluctuating pathway!
Your teen needs to find out they can manage themselves better each time they set out on their own, with setbacks expected. No pathway is smooth and setbacks, small falls, all teach us to approach it differently next time. That’s how we build simple resilience upon failed endeavours or unexpected outcomes and learning to approach change with a curiosity for what might happen next.
That’s your job too as the parent, to encourage a safer independence by experimenting, stepping outside of their comfort zone and of yours too. Trying not to remind yourself of all the terrible, risky, reckless, dumb stuff that you did as a teen. That just encourages you to put the brakes on and that’s not helpful for your teen finding their own way.
Conversation is the well oiled means of vital communication between you and your teen, whatever mood she might be in. And checking your own irritation in being slighted, ignored and unappreciated. But still not letting her get away with any outrageous or ongoing disrespectful behaviour either.
Respect goes both ways, reminding her of what that looks like so everyone can survive this vital and volatile phase.