Autumn is the ideal time for reflection and to prioritise yourself as a welcome relief to having to be over-productive and on all the time. One of my clients told me that making cakes for their children’s school fete had started to seem like a huge competitive effort. Staying up way past her bedtime, so the cake and brownies could cool down and be iced ready to pack into their boxes, and delivered to school the next day.
I reminded her that some mothers don’t bake and buy stuff instead to pack into those same boxes! They have discovered, along the way, as we all do, that sometimes we simply cannot do everything on our list and please everyone along the way, least of all ourselves.
What needs to be released?
This is a good time to do less, to let go of doing more. Close the door, no more chores, tasks, activities, please. Everyone needs to stay home and just hang out. Get into comfy clothes, PJs, warm socks, and just be at home. Hang together as a family and rediscover that unique bond that makes you such a wonderful and loving family.
Turn off the TV. Put aside screens of all sizes and decide with your family that this autumnal season calls for a family hangout, playing games, cards, chess, reading books, or whatever quieter activities you enjoy. Making a meal together, with everyone pitching in to set the table, clean up afterwards – all very old-fashioned chores that bond families together.
Finding inner space
How do we do that? The more we organise our outer, external space, the more availability we have to organise our inner space.
And that means inviting your family members, big and small, to do their part in keeping the house running.
Children without chores won’t understand the necessity of what it takes to run a house, unless they participate. Otherwise, they operate on a kind of visitor, occasional helpful guest mode status. Very unhelpful – that position and definitely not one to encourage.
Too bad if they break a glass, don’t wipe down the benches as good as you, clean the bathroom as good as you, vacuum as good as you, make the beds as good as you, and so on. Let them contribute, make messy mistakes and out of that – learn to live in a family home that requires ongoing chores to work, so children big and small can learn the value of rest and down time.
And that’s where you find your inner space. Retire to your room. Sit somewhere quiet and unbothered. Go for a stroll on your own. Enjoy your own company for a whole half an hour or more. Or go to bed early and let your partner do the bedtime stuff. Or negotiate an early finish for you so everyone’s clear about it, and swallow any mother-guilt that shows up. Resist drinking a glass of wine to drink down your guilt. That makes for an unhelpful link.
Aligned values
Women and mothers routinely deflect their own needs and often punish themselves (guilt is just for starters) about wanting their own quiet time all to themselves. They joke about needing a glass of wine or two just to get through making dinner for everyone. That’s a call for help – right there.
Important conversations need to be had with your significant other to organise meals, clean up routines and bedtime routines for children, let alone other daytime tasks as well. More often, women run the whole show of feeding the family even though she may also be working part time or full time.
Maybe her partner is fully committed and doing an equal share but the majority of men don’t really do that. Men are mostly very receptive to being told what to do whereas women often find that notion difficult, as they expect their menfolk to see themselves what needs to be done. Selective seeing and hearing is most prevalent when people are tired.
Develop and master the habit of telling your loving and committed partner directly – what needs to be done. This is an easy way to check that your values are aligned and that everyone is doing their part. Not just you in executive domestic mode!
The outcome of these direct conversations and each family member pulling their own weight means you get to self-prioritise you more. Mum is signing off now. Enjoy your evening everyone and turn out the lights.